I'm jealous of those who are close to their family members. I'm jealous of those who get along well with their siblings. I had my 12 year old sister declare her hate for me today. She hates me. She hates me. I ask myself "How does she know what hate is?" On the other hand I realize she's human and she does have that emotion. But still... She hates me? She hit me today too. The 12 year old hit me. What did I do to deserve that sentence? I'm so jealous of Jim because he's so close with his brother. I envy that. I wish I had an older sibling to look up to. Like, I have Grant. But it's not like he was raised in this hell of a household. No one really understands. I feel like I don't belong in this family. I feel like the mistake I really am. I wish my little sister didn't hate me. I wish I had that "sisterly/brotherly bond" all my friends have. I want to feel loved in my own house. I want to feel safe and happy in the house I live in. But sadly, I don't feel the love. I don't feel the attention I've been craving from my parents because I'm such a failure. I hate writing this and crying because it hurts more than anyone will ever know. To be hated by your own flesh and blood. I'm jealous because Jim's brother is before me in his life. I don't blame him. I'm just so damn jealous. I feel like I'll never know the meaning of "family" until I have my own someday. I won't yell at my kids. I'll only have one kid so their siblings won't hate him/her. I'll live far away.
Another thing,
I've been having urges to hurt myself. Not nessesarily physically. But I want to break myself down. To nothing basically. I want to be natural and pure again. I want to be clean. I want to feel closer to God again. I want to make my family not hate each other or me. I don't know how to bring everyone together. I don't know how to keep myself together so why not break myself down?
Peace and Love,
Katy
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