I'm falling from such great heights.

I know you don't mean to be mean. I know you have good intentions. I know you do. But deep down inside, I just feel like you don't care about me. I feel like you have priorities higher than me. I just... I don't know anymore. I'm scared. I'm scared of the future. Maybe this is the drowning I've been asking for. I know you love me. But are you in love with me? I don't want to talk about it on the phone. I don't want to talk about it in person. Or on AIM. I want to read it and see it and take it in and over-analyze every fucking word you put down on that paper. I want to know what you're feeling. You never tell me your feelings. I just want to know your emotion. I want to know how you work. I wish you were a doll that I could just take apart and see what's happening inside. Actually, I wish you'd just tell me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs "TRUST ME!" I tell you everything about me. When I'm in a bad mood, I let you know it. When I'm happy as hell, I let you know it. I wish you'd do the same. You worry me. I'm always worried about you. It drives me crazy because I'm always reading your words wrong. You're so amazing and you mean the world to me. I love you deeply. You are my everything. I just don't think you understand. I have no one else this close to me.
Peace and Love,
Katy

She's lost control.

So I'm looking back to summer '07.
I miss my old group of friends. I miss how there wasn't a care in the world. I miss being friends with Truehart. I don't know what in the hell happened to us. I miss him as my big brother and even his "sugar cube teeth". I miss the "I LOVE MIKE TRUEHART" group on myspace. High school isn't the same anymore. I have no sophomores to talk to except Sarah, Marg, Alyssa, and Callie. I'm tired of just hopping onto cliques and then letting go after a few weeks. Grant's going to be gone after this summer. My bestest buddy Grant :( The boy who I "fucked in the back of a van." That was SUCH bull shit. But really funny because the only time I've been in his van was with Jim. Was this a threesome that I did not know about? What a sexy threesome that woulda been ;]
Anyways...
I'm glad Brianna and I have gotten back to best friend status. That girl is just my rock. We've been best friends since 8th grade and have been through SO much together. We've called each other the worst names POSSIBLE. We've laughed, cried, saw our second favorite band together. -sigh- It's nice.
I'm bittersweet about losing other friends though. Maybe it was for the best? -shrug-
Today's Jim's birthday. Seventeen... dayummmm. Nigga stole my bike, yes? Ha ha. I love that boy.
I've been listening to like, 80's goth synth pop. Like the Cure and Joy Division. And let's add Duran Duran into the mix there.
This blog has been kinda random. But that's me, I guess.
Peace and Love,
Katy

Why can't I be you?

Today was really boring.

Woke up in Brianna's bed.

Went home.
Cleaned my room.

Played Guitar Hero.

Now I'm here.

I really need to go shopping for new jewelery. I shall ask Tori to come with because we "share a common knowlage of candy colored jewelery." She's pretty damn cool lemme tell you. I'm excited for tomorrow cause I get to see Jim. I haven't seen him since last Friday DX. Meh. I have no idea what I'm going to get him for his birthday. I refuse to buy him World of Warcraft stuff. Seriously. I need ideas BIG TIME.



Anyways...

There's three days left of spring break.. I'm going to make them the best days possible. I know Saturday will suck because I have Jazz Choir practice until 2. AND I forgot my music. -.- rfsdkjfhjskfhsd. I just wanna drive off to somewhere that's not here. I kinda wanna visit the desert. I'm not really sure why. It just seems like a nice place to visit. I really need to get up to New York sometime soon too. I need to visit Maine too.

I was thinking about stuff tonight too, about things still bother the hell out of me. How everytime I look into his eyes I still see her. It drives me crazy seeing he kept her good bye note. I over analyze that. "Why'd he keep it?" "Why's it in with my letters?" Something just doesn't seem right with that. Does he still love her?
That question remains in my thoughts.
Peace and Love,
Katy

Green is the color of envy.

I'm jealous of those who are close to their family members. I'm jealous of those who get along well with their siblings. I had my 12 year old sister declare her hate for me today. She hates me. She hates me. I ask myself "How does she know what hate is?" On the other hand I realize she's human and she does have that emotion. But still... She hates me? She hit me today too. The 12 year old hit me. What did I do to deserve that sentence? I'm so jealous of Jim because he's so close with his brother. I envy that. I wish I had an older sibling to look up to. Like, I have Grant. But it's not like he was raised in this hell of a household. No one really understands. I feel like I don't belong in this family. I feel like the mistake I really am. I wish my little sister didn't hate me. I wish I had that "sisterly/brotherly bond" all my friends have. I want to feel loved in my own house. I want to feel safe and happy in the house I live in. But sadly, I don't feel the love. I don't feel the attention I've been craving from my parents because I'm such a failure. I hate writing this and crying because it hurts more than anyone will ever know. To be hated by your own flesh and blood. I'm jealous because Jim's brother is before me in his life. I don't blame him. I'm just so damn jealous. I feel like I'll never know the meaning of "family" until I have my own someday. I won't yell at my kids. I'll only have one kid so their siblings won't hate him/her. I'll live far away.
Another thing,
I've been having urges to hurt myself. Not nessesarily physically. But I want to break myself down. To nothing basically. I want to be natural and pure again. I want to be clean. I want to feel closer to God again. I want to make my family not hate each other or me. I don't know how to bring everyone together. I don't know how to keep myself together so why not break myself down?
Peace and Love,
Katy

I'm glad there's no ocean between us.

Today was rough, man.
Miscommunication sucks, don't it? At one moment you could think someone absolutly hates you, and the next they're like "Aw, I love you" and everything's better. I get so worried over nothing. Things that turn out to be absolutly nothing. Things that weren't even that bad. But even when you're in those moments, you have those friends who stick by you no matter what. Like Grant. Grant has been a godsent for me. He's one of the greatest friends I've ever had. He still is and always will be. He's pretty much my older brother and it's going to be SO hard to see him go off to college.

But anyways,
I'm glad that things are going to well with Jim. I'm glad things are going well with softball. And kinda with school. Let's just say I'm glad I pulled the weeds out of my "Friend" garden. Jim's like, the big ol' rose bush that's more beautiful than anything. And then you have all my other amazing friends that are dahlias but then there's Grant who's the willow. Why Grant is a willow, I do not know. I guess cause they seem wise. And Grant is quite wise? Lulz. But there used to be those dandilion weeds or what ever they're called. They look kinda cute but then the fuck up your garden cause they're actually weeds. I have no more of those so I'm like YES! /cheer. Life is getting increasingly better with each day. Like, there's those days where you're like "Shit, man." But then you have those days where you're all "/cheer" and everything's okay. Shit, man this is life. There's no such thing as a perfect life. Not all my days are going to be perfect. But not all of them are gonna be shitty. I have found my happy medium.

Peace and Love,
Katy

I wish I could wake up, open the door, and escape to the sea.

So being grounded kinda sucks.
Who cares?
Not I.
Because I can still blog all the hell I want.

I wrote Jim a letter on this subject but I figured I might as well share it with you all..

The Ocean..
I love love love the ocean. It's so mysterious and just beautiful. Like, I wish I could sit on a beach all day and watch the waves curled up in a blanket. I'm not talking about like the Bahama kind of beach. I mean the Maine kind of beach or the North California coast beaches. The dark and scary beaches. The dark sand and the grey foam of the water stealing sea shells from the shore and replacing them with sea weed. The kind of beach that's cold and has boulders. The kind of beach that has huge cliffs that some depressed person might jump off of and take his own life. The kind of beach where you can't see past your ankles. Where you don't know where the shore starts or where the ocean ends. You don't know what creatures are lurking underneath the grey foam. It's the beach where the gulls are crying and hissing not singing. The kind of beach where you go to find salvation and serenity, not white sandy beaches and clear water. The sea is such a scary place. I know this sounds horribly depressing but dying in the sea seems like such a calming way to die. Just to jump off that cliff and fall in and just hold your breath until you go numb. You could just float to the bottom where you belong for the rest of eternity. It just seems so calming.
Peace and Love,
Katy

the princess of suburbia.

So let me tell you about a fairy tale okay?
There's this girl right? And she's fallen madly in love with, well, let's say a prince. He's a pretty good lookin' prince. All the wenches of his school love him. Well, one gross wench in particular. But since this is a perfect fairy tale, we won't include her. The prince and the princess were CRAZY about each other. The princess only got to see him once a week but it's okay cause she deals cause it's all worth it in the end. The two do alot together. Sleep, watch movies, laugh, cry, smile, take walks, slay dragons. Then one day, the mean evil Red dragon tells the Prince all these lies and confronts the princess about them. She cries and tells him they aren't true. It took the Prince about a week to actually concider believing the Princess. She cried and cried and cried that whole week. But like I said, since this is a perfect fairy tale, we don't have to talk about the flaws. The Red dragon was eventually slayed by the Princess cause she's a hardcore badass like that. He doesn't even bother with her anymore cause he knows she'll kick his ass. The Princess loves her Prince more than anything. Someday they'll become King and Queen but that's a really long time away. Right now they'll enjoy being teenagers in love. It'll be nice.